Dear Mom, I am Gay!

I wish I was brave enough to stand in front of you and say this, but here I am writing this open letter to you even though I know you may never see it. I really wish I had the courage to tell you and my other relatives who try to set me up with male suitors, because they think I am getting too old to attract a good husband. I wish I was able to tell you that I’d rather get married to a woman, because that’s who I truly want to be with.  I wish I could tell you how confused I was at the age of 8, when I became fascinated with a woman’s body, and I would rather play “Mama and Mama Play” instead of ”Mama and Papa Play.” I really wanted to share with you then what was happening to me. Maybe then things would’ve been easier, because I was just a child who knew nothing about my sexuality.

I wished we lived in a society that was accepting and welcoming to people like me. Maybe then someone would’ve told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was perfectly normal. I wish things were easier, but it is worse that we are Muslims, and Fulanis at that. Sometimes I daydream and ask myself, “What if I told her and she accepted me?” but then I come back to reality. Knowing how religious you are, it might probably kill you because you’d think something is seriously wrong with me. And could I really blame you for that thought? I guess not, because even I thought something was wrong with me for the longest time. I thought and hoped that it was just a phase that  would go away in due time. For years I struggled with accepting and living with myself; I questioned myself so many times and made duas (prayers) asking God to make it stop if it’s not His will that I am like this, and it never worked! 

Sometimes I am tempted to tell you who I am and just be vulnerable with you about my life, because you are my mother. I want to tell you EVERYTHING about my first experience being with a woman, the first time I fell in love, my first heartbreak and how the feelings never went away. However, besides the fear of you dying of a heart attack, you probably might just disown me and I’d never forgive myself if that happened. God! My heart breaks just thinking about it now. 

If I had the courage to tell you one day, I would start by telling you the story of my very first girlfriend. How it all started when I was in junior high and this girl transferred to my class from another country. I overheard her talking to some girl about how it was okay to have girlfriends in the boarding school she had transferred from and in fact she likes girls more than guys. So during recess, I went up to her and said that she should be careful with who she confides in about her interests in girls. She then asked if I like girls too since I knew so much about it and I told her “yes”. I then coyly added that I had only kissed a girl once, but I would love to do it again. Later that day, we went to her house where she lived mostly by herself, because her mom worked out of town. Let’s just say things went as planned and it was one of the best days of my life. I was so crazy about this girl who had come from nowhere and just swept me off my feet. I wanted to show her off to you and the rest of the world, mom, even though I was just 13. I wish I could have read to you the love letters she wrote me and snuck in my bookbag (backpack) everyday. To you she was my friend, but to me she was the only person who truly knew me and how to make me happy; the only person with whom I could be my total self without feeling like something was wrong with me. We would go to her house everyday after school just to make out. I loved her kisses! Everyday I would look forward to school letting out so we could go back to our own little world where we could be us.

Mom, I wish I could have told you about my first fight with her. I wish I could have told you when someone in our community threatened me, because of what they assumed about my sexuality. I wish I could tell you everything I’ve had to go through since I found out the truth about myself and all I had to live and battle with throughout my teenage and adult years. I wish I could have gotten comfort from you during those times.

I guess I’ll start by sharing my story with the world bit by bit and just hope that there’s a day that comes where I gain the courage to be my true and authentic self with you. 

I love you, Mom.

Authored by: Anonymous