I opened my eyes to the dawning of the day. I was excited about the teen ages but oblivious to what being a teenager meant. I was looking forward to the excitement of new privileges being given. The temptations, attractions and addictions weren’t foreseen. Unconsciously, I got into a lethal relationship. My girlfriend was fascinating, erotic, and emotionally pleasing. To admit, she was also time-consuming. She had no hair nor shapes and figures, like a woman’s morphology at sight, but she had it within. Potent as a drug was our relationship, built on addiction. Do not be confused; my girlfriend was porn.
I had to show her love daily. Watching and listening to her screaming was part of my commitment. Also, I had to prove my love by jerking off. For years our relationship lasted with great intimacy. She kissed me almost every night and gave me that erotic emotion that instantly awakened my manhood. My eyes, mind, and thoughts were clustered with images of her; ears filled with erotic screams and sounds of her voice. Continuously, she made me sexually philogynistic but insolent. I lost respect for females – the ones I came across, and more specifically, the girls in my class and my older sister. I could no longer respect or adhere to their commands and instructions. Every time I looked at them, I saw them as nudes, like one of the ladies I saw within my girlfriend every night. I fought battles many days, wrestling with my emotions and actions. She tried to conquer my emotions, persuading me to take actions to fulfill her greatest wish, get another girl, and practice what I saw. As if she was using a speaker, she said it louder in my ears every time I hugged a girl. It was a great battle. Although my family and I had devotions and attended church services weekly, my relationship with her was sturdy.
Proving my love by jerking off to my girlfriend became a daily habit till one wonderful day. As usual, one evening, I pretended to use the bathroom to perform my ritual. All of a sudden, without a knock on the door, my mom barged in searching for something. I don’t really remember what it was. She looked at me with a fierce look as I focused on my phone. Though I acted sly and persuasive, she left me with words that pierced my heart like a sword. She looked me in the eye and said, “Your purpose is to please God. What you watch (see) and listen to (hear) affects your mind, and you as a person. Be mindful, my son.”. She never heard or saw what I was watching, but her words had me questioning everything with my relationship. I questioned the essence of it all. “How is porn improving me as a person?” “Is porn pleasing to God?” “Are there better feelings I can get than these erotic feelings?” “How are these feelings even helping me?” What’s the essence of masturbation?” “Are there better things I can do with the time I give to porn?”
The whole night I repeatedly rolled east to west on the bed, wrestling with my thoughts. With those questions, my mind and eyes began to open, and I saw better things outside that relationship. After hours, the conclusion was to call it quit with my girlfriend, porn.
It was a tough decision to make, but I wanted to be free. I no longer saw nudes as beauty or sexiness, but I saw her whole as evil. At that moment, my mind retrospected the things my parents had said during devotions and things I heard during services. God began convincingly speaking to my inner man. He said there are better days ahead after this breakup. No matter how addicted, I can still be a new person. Suddenly, I felt pressure on my shoulder that led me to my knees. I closed my eyes, surrendering everything to God; I pulled the burdens and addictions off my shoulder, and placed it at His feet. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend, but she wasn’t crying. I had no choice but to delete her from my phone, mind, and life.
Just when I believed I was free from all her lures, she came back. As a caterpillar transformed into a butterfly, she came in different forms. She came back as my friends. They explained how deeply they loved the feelings she gave and encouraged every teenager to experience a relationship with her. Then I realized why she didn’t cry after our breakup; she is a lover to many teenagers. Unfortunately, they might all be victims of her destruction. Also, she appeared in music videos and erotic romance movies like Fifty Shades of Grey. They all displayed nudes promoted coitus, and I felt emotionally active. I got perplexed and believed that they might all be her siblings that I should avoid. I became selective about things I listened to and watched. With the attitude of being disciplined and selective, the chains of addictions that held us were broken. With freedom, I walked from behind the bars of porn. I became a better person, and life became cleaner. Recovering was a gradual process that took up to a year.
This is a story of a kid out there who became free from the prison of porn addiction. Many teenagers are unconscious prisoners to porn and feel it’s a form of enjoyment. You might feel it’s a sort of amazement, but its end is destruction. I need you to know no matter how addicted you are; you can still be free. If I can, you can. What’s sad is that some adults and fathers are still prisoners. Porn is destroying homes and relationships. Addicted males end up desiring females to be like the ladies in the videos. Teenagers, be mindful of the things you watch and listen to. The foundation of your future relies solely on your adolescence. Beware of the forms in which porn comes in. It’s not late to be free. If I can, you can!
Authored by Jerry P. Kulah, II
Featured Picture by LigerianOptics
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