It calls, at the most inappropriate and unexpected moments;
When I’m working, when I’m having fun, in the middle of a party,
Whenever it’s convenient, never for me.
And when it calls, I answer;
No objections; it’s the only thing I can’t procrastinate with.
I’ll leave whatever I’m doing when it calls and answer it in solitude.
When it wants me, it wants me all to itself,
Without any interruption, my cry for help doesn’t reach anyone’s ears.
It is this pain I feel inside. This love I can no longer give;
The hugs we can no longer share, the memories I wish I could relive,
Because maybe if I had just one more chance, I’ll say the right things;
Be the perfect child, and hold onto a few more seconds of shared joy.
Its call brings all the memories of a lifetime, in a few seconds.
It starts by caressing my skin,
Reminding me of all the gentle strokes I can’t give.
I feel chills run down my spine and I wrap my hands around myself in an embrace,
Reminding me of all the hugs that were too short, too fast, too distant.
Then it touches my lips, reminding me of kisses I turned down,
ones I accepted and those I wish I could give.
It enters me, thrusting deeper, ripping my heart apart.
I’m on my knees and it’s rocking back and forth inside;
I feel my skin split but I say nothing.
And yes, sir, I’ll arch my back,
Maybe because the more pleasure it gets from my pain, the sooner it’ll get off.
But only, it’s not done yet.
It chokes me;
I’m suffocating, drowning in my thoughts, my what ifs; in this pain.
And just when all the oxygen is about to leave my body and I feel nothing, it climaxed.
Its grip is off my throat but I still feel its strength.
My body aches, I’m still lying on the floor and it walks out,
Leaving me with shattered pieces of my heart.
And I’m helpless, no one can help me fight this battle that is within,
So I wake up, afraid to end my brokenness because it calls just when I’m all healed up.
Everyone says there will come a day when it shall call and I, its submissive, will look at it, my dominant, in the eyes and say NO!! No, sir!! I can’t do this anymore.
And I’m left wondering, when?
When will this time come??
Authored by Lusinetta Kormon
Featured Picture by Wojciech Babski
