Where is the Line?

It’s currently 8:30 in the morning as I’m writing this. I’ve been up since 7 AM, and all I’ve done is read and repost updates and articles about the consistent abuse and killing of Black people around the world. I’m heavy. I feel restless – I can’t get enough breaths to fill my lungs yet my lungs feel full to bursting. The question I have running through my head now is, “At what point is it okay for me to stop reading?”

A few weeks ago, I saw a news update about a 15-year-old girl that was raped and impregnated by her stepfather in Monrovia. I’m going to be honest with you, I did not read the full story. Something similar happened when Africans were being abused and beaten in China and other parts of Asia. I saw the headline, my heart clenched, and I scrolled past. I just felt like I couldn’t take in any more tragedy and horror at that moment. However, the emotion that then overtook me was guilt. What right do I have to choose to avoid her tragedy when she has to live it? How am I supposed to fight for a better country and world for her when I’m shying away from her pain?

This is how I feel this morning. I’ve been wanting to stop reading about the murders of black men and women in the US specifically, but I feel like I can’t. How can the world push for change if we avoid the trauma that comes with it? I have siblings and a sweet baby nephew in that country, and it’s fresh terror everytime I see another black person threatened and murdered. I can’t even type the “God forbid, what if?” without choking up with tears.

But what about my sanity?

I fell into a deep darkness about a year ago when a video was circulated of a black woman being roofied and raped in the middle of a club. She was SURROUNDED BY SOOOO MANY PEOPLE, but not a single one turned to even check on her. It truly hit me then that not very many people of other races care about Black people, and not very many men care about Black women. We are mostly all we got. I viscerally felt the pain and helplessness in her voice and couldn’t think about anything else for days. I watched and read and watched and read and didn’t properly sleep for so long. Food lost taste and the only way I can describe what I felt was “heavy.”

What good am I to anyone in that state?

As a Black person, there are so many people who sincerely believe I am less than human and they treat me as such. As a Black woman, there are so many men who believe I exist for their use so they take from my body what they want. I have to be careful not to abuse and take from myself in the same way. Our plight as women and Black people is a treacherous one and we have to stay vigilant and awake. We have to ALWAYS take up the torch for our sisters and brothers when they are used and abused. And in order to do that, we have to stay sane.

The main purpose of me writing today is to process my way to a solution. How do we strike the balance between fighting for our abused and/or slain brothers and sisters and staying sane? Where is the line? Sadly, I don’t know for sure. What I do know is, I think it’s okay to scroll past sometimes. When it feels like the blood in your body is trying to rupture your veins and tear its way out, take a step back. For a second; for a day; for a week. However long you need. This fight is going to last for much longer, heartbreakingly enough, so we need each other sane and battle ready.

I’m writing to tell you to not feel guilty when you just cannot take another rape or murder. I’m writing to tell you it’s okay. You deserve to survive this fight. So, it’s okay. Close down your social media, turn off your phone, click away from your news channel. Take a bath. Unbreak your heart just a little. Put on some Nina Simone and hold yourself. Moisturize your scalp and body and remind yourself that YOU ARE ROYALTY. You deserve life. You deserve respect. You deserve peace. In the words of Viola Davis, “YOU’RE WORTH IT!”

And once you’ve coaxed some of your pieces back into their molds, rejoin the war.

Authored by Shari Raji
Featured picture by Unsplash