The Friend Zone (A Guy & Girl's Perspective)

As I sit by myself and think about all the times that girls that I had fallen for; whom, in my opinion, I could have had sizzling relationships with rejected me using the same words: “Let’s just be friends” “We can be nothing more than friends” or “I only see you as a friend.” I stumble upon one realization, and that is, there’s this zone that girls put guys like me in whether subconsciously or consciously. A zone I’d like to call the “Friend Zone”.

The questions that come to mind are: Who coined the term ‘Friend Zone’? Can you survive the Friend Zone? Is it a good place to be in? Now, I’m no expert on this, but I’ve had many experiences and I have gotten feedback relative to this. As such, I would like to share my perspective on this in the next few lines. Make no mistake, “We Are the VICTIMS Here”.

For me, the Friend Zone is basically “where girls put guys like me that they don’t want or have no interest in.” It’s like a prison or concentration camp. Most times, they want to straightforward reject you, but they may not be able to do so for some reason best known to them, so they dump you in that zone with all the other weird suitors they have had no interest in (No offense to the other guys). Other times, they may want to reject you, but may find out that you’re useful in some type of way; probably you’re the investor that gives them money the guy that gives emotional support and talks to them for hours. Maybe you’re the guy that does their homework, etc, therefore, they wouldn’t want to lose all that because of a rejection they did to you, so they will smartly put you in that zone.

I wouldn’t want to take the glory for coining the term “Friend Zone” because that may be wrong so let’s just say it’s a term that everyone knows but it’s not one that everyone discusses or write about. Being in the friend zone is like being a monkey with a banana in your hands but not being able to eat it, or being a lion walking beside a zebra but not being able to feast on it. One of the things that hurts so much when you are there is when the person comes to tell you about their intimate encounter with their partner or when the person tells you how that other person isn’t treating them right. The excruciating pain and hormones that rush to your brain and heart at that moment can be devastating but at the end of the day, you’re powerless to do anything about it.

A female friend of mine who rejected me once told me, when I asked why she was trying to friend zone me:  For me a girl, I’d rather stay friends with a guy that I like who understands me and I understand instead of entering into a relationship with him because relationships can be short-lived. And depending on how it ends, we may end up not speaking to each other again; but as friends, we’d have a longer life-span together so I would go for that over the other. I was really baffled and had questions raising through my mind when she told me this. I thought to myself, “Wait a minute, I thought people should want to build a relationship or life with someone that they truly like or understand and have similar goals with but how’s this girl telling me the opposite to that?” Anyway, that was her own perspective or own way of trying to Friend Zone me, but I didn’t let that happen if that’s what you’re wondering.

Can anyone escape the Friend Zone? I would say YES, it’s possible. However, most of the time it’s highly unlikely that it happens. Most of the time, the people that actually escape the Friend Zone are people with very high endurance, persistence and resistance; it usually leads to long-lasting relationships. However, if you cannot bear it like me, then don’t even allow yourself to be placed in that zone because you will be signing your own death warrant. I don’t know about you but the Friend Zone is not a place I want to be as a guy.

Considering the emotional perspectives from a girl, it becomes impossible to say “YES” to every guy passing by. A person’s feeling isn’t to be toyed with, for a lover’s heart can easily be shattered like the broken pieces of mirror. Bette Davis once said “pleasure of love lasts but a moment. The pain of love lasts a lifetime.” Thus, for the sake of not hurting each other and to keep the friendship, friend-zoning becomes the best possible option. But what happens when those same guys you ought to save tells you how heartless you are for not returning their love? 

I’ll tell you a story:

We met through our mutual friends, together we discussed things based on our intellectual capacities. After a few months, I realized that he wanted something more and to me, he was useful because we learned to build each other and that is all I ever wanted. Romantically, I wasn’t interested but I knew that saying a direct “No” would have driven him away; Like the many before and after him, I tried being nice and created a “Friend Zone” by calling him, “BRO”. Sometimes friend-zoning does the magic of keeping them around as friends but unfortunately, the last thing I got was “If you cannot see me more than just a friend, maybe we should stop being friends”.

I know you might be wondering why friendzone a guy in the first place and here are some possible reasons:  

He’s not the Ideal guy: Every girl(even guys) has an ideal life partner. A girl knows if she wants you around as an honest friend, mentor, a person whose company she enjoys because you are intelligent, or just that funny dude who decides to always make her laugh. She also knows if you are/become sexually attractive, romantic, or simply “HER TYPE” Not that anyone is bad, but its basic human nature that we never get attracted to certain people while we fall in love with someone at first sight. This is probably the most important reason why anyone would friendzone you.

She may be broken or emotionally unstable: Sometimes, you are in the right place, the right person, but at the wrong time. Maybe someone broke her heart or she just went through a terrible breakup, divorce, or traumatic experience – making her emotionally unavailable.

In a relationship, your co-worker, or major differences: In a situation where a girl is already in a relationship or you both work in the same company, she might likely friend zone you. Maybe because she respects her relationship or work environment. In such cases, it is only wise to respect the environment or her relationship. Or sometimes it could be that you just have too many differences; you think everything is either black or white while she thinks they can be purple or brown; It also becomes hard to connect the dots that you cannot find common ground.

A partner with a plan, not pain, not the player type, or the one who messes around: For the most part, no girl wants a guy whose eyes are on every woman or the one who would play their heart as Ronaldo would do to his ball. Every woman wants to be treated with respect and love just as a guy would like to be treated. Yeah, you might have the swag, funny, romantic, but what are your goals, missions, and visions for the future? I mean every decent girl wants a guy with whom she sees a future. Also, no woman wants a possessive, violence, and the over-emotional guy who’s immature, leave crazy scars on her because he’s over-emotional, or his parent’s inability to teach him morals. 

A guy who can build a home with her and not with his mom: I mean, have you ever seen that guy who moms call him like 25 times a day while questioning all of his decisions or who always thinks his parents are his chief decision-makers?  Well, respecting our parents is good but if your parents are going to make all of your decisions then why don’t I just date or marry your mom or dad?

Not that a girl is never grateful for having you in her life, maybe guys should understand that love is meant to be deep and real, but not every love was meant to change its form or take another level. Sometimes, all a girl genuinely wants in a guy is to be just friends and I can tell that some guys would understand. After all, even boys do friendzone girls for the same reasons. If you truly care, your level of determination might remove you from the friend zone which is highly unlikely. Lastly, friendzone is a psychological state you might be trapping yourself in because you lack the courage to make the necessary moves. 

By: Darcess Dossen & Fatu Kaba

Featured Picture by Anna Koldunova