A few weeks ago I was chatting with some of my very good friends on WhatsApp about life, love and relationship, when a particular friend, in response to one of my jokes, said “Bro, I am having sex. I am really having sex. All types of races, but honestly, I love my fiance. I want to be with her forever.” He went on to say other things that I won’t mention as I want him to stay anonymous. Truth is, I am in no way a better human being than this my friend, but these sentences really struck me. It has had me thinking about similar conversations I have with different people almost every day.
A few months ago, I saw a short inspiring video by the famous Indian-British Internet personality, Jay Shetty, on YouTube entitled “If Someone Cheated On You” and posted this question on my WhatsApp story afterwards “Can you truly be in love with someone and still cheat on them?” Twenty plus persons responded to this question. More than 15 persons said “Yes”. They said you could or would cheat if your partner is not offering something that someone else is willing to offer, or you might cheat because your partner is not as accommodating when it comes to certain things as someone else. Then I would ask further “Why can’t you just leave him/her (your partner) for the ‘more accommodating’ person?” and they would all say something that would loosely translate to “Because I LOVE him/her.” I then felt obligated to research about what being in love entails. What really is it? Is it a sudden pledge to someone or something or a strong feeling of desire or affection for something? I have seen a lot of definitions, poetry, plays, etc., of what people think it is. And most times, their thoughts and feelings of what love is, are very similar. However, I have been able to coin my own definition of what I think love is or should be and it is: TREATING SOMEONE THE EXACT WAY YOU WOULD WANT THEM TREAT YOU. If you love someone, you want them to be happy, so you do things to make them happy. You also want the love or the feeling reciprocated. You never want to see them hurt, so you don’t do anything that would endanger their mental state.
According to Jay Shetty, “There is no excuse to cheat.” Cheating on your partner because you found out he/she is cheating on you, or because you got cheated on in previous relationships, is similar to learning the truth but going on to teach a lie. Cheating on your partner because of distance or his/her shortcoming(s), i.e. lack of finances, sexual inability, lack of communication, a behavior you find disgusting, etc,. says more about how unrealistic your expectations are. The truth is, you can’t find every quality you want in a single body of a person.
A friend of mine once asked me, “What do I do when she doesn’t have a certain characteristic or feature that I want in a girl?” My response was this: let’s assume what you want out of a person are attributes amounting to a rating of 5. Place those attributes in an order of importance. For example, he/she should be caring, a good communicator, independent or striving towards independence, attractive, open-minded. Now, ask yourself which of these attributes you can and can not coexist with. If the ones you can’t coexist with are 3 out of the 5 attributes, for example, make sure the person you decide to date has no less than 2 of these 3 attributes, and the other 2 you can coexist without, they can have at least one. All in all, if your partner can have all, which is never always the case, let them have 3 (two of your compulsory 3 and one out of the other 2 attributes) out of the 5 attributes you look for. To make it simple, let the good attributes or the ones you can coexist within the relationship outweigh the ones you can’t.
What do you do if the person starts with so many positive attitudes and changes later or their true intentions or attributes get exposed? If you can conform to the changes, fine. If you can’t, leave. The last two sentences might probably be the most difficult or most insensitive sentences, especially when you are deeply involved emotionally, but it is the best thing to do.
I once asked a friend of mine what it is she looks for in a guy, and she listed qualities that could only be found in a Supreme Being. I am not asking you to lower the standards you have for yourself. I am asking you to understand that, like yourself, nobody is perfect. Having a partner is basically having someone who serves as a complement for you. Do not expect your partner to be your clone or a clone of someone you had. You would be surprised to know that the more than 15 persons I asked about being truly in love and cheating admitted that they wouldn’t want their partners cheating on them; they rather that their partners be straightforward with them where necessary.
There is more than one way to look at it but consider this: You know exactly who you are, you know how long and how much it took you to be this exact version of yourself that you are right now. Right? What is the purpose of dating? Is it to look in the mirror every day and know that you are part of the many people “dating,” or is it to find something different and new- something you know you don’t have? Inasmuch as you want what you want, there are responsibilities that come with the opportunity. The same way it didn’t matter whether you were in clean or dirty clothes when you are out playing as a toddler, but it does matter now that you look presentable outside because you’re no longer a child, that’s the same way you have obligations to the person you’re dating when you are no longer single.
But for real though, the question that has been lingering on our minds and subsequently went on to inspire this piece is, knowing everything you know about yourself (we mean everything, good and bad), would you date a person with the same personality as you?
Authored by Jay Hoff & Joshua S. Kulah
Featured Picture by Kevar Whilby
