Becoming Liberian is a beautiful thing. You can be born or naturalized as a Liberian citizen, but being a Liberian citizen is different from being a Liberian. As a result, a lot of Liberian citizens find themselves being very Unliberian. Therefore, here is a simple guide to help you in the process of becoming Liberian.
Firstly, you need to understand where we come from. In the beginning the American Colonization Society brought the returnees and said let there be Liberia, and by their words, we emerged. It doesn’t matter what existed before, the ACS was the beginning. The mighty book says the country was built on the principles of the God of the returnees, the God that delivered them from slavery, delivered them into Canaan and gave unto them the Canaanites as their subjects. The returnees met people on the land that greatly outnumbered them, those indigenous people would come to be known as the country people.
The ACS made Liberia in their image, the returnees were now masters, and cities were built in honour of the bigger masters. The country people who couldn’t mirror the returnees were not to be regarded as 100% full Liberians. However there was hope, some country folks could be three-quarter Liberian, but they would need to shed their ways, their beliefs, even their names. Three-quarter Liberians were better and got more opportunities than pure country folks, but less than the real (returnee) Liberians. The returnees saw what they had made was good (for them alone), and they rested (ruled) for over a hundred years.
Fast-forward about a century or so, and we’ve had a Country General that took the main seat at the table by force, he then decided to kill everybody he met at the table, and thereby ushered in the long war. Then came a man that was so loved that children picked up guns (realism break: the guns were pushed into their hands and they were drugged) to fight for him, people swore to vote for him even when he killed their parents. An OLDMA came next, she was accused of being soft on corruption, and people complained that she only offered them books to eat, so after she left the seat, a man of the people was crowned. He had the country at heart, the cost of living grew, but the man loved the country so much, he would even sing to the people during a crisis.
Upon that backdrop, you learn that in becoming Liberian you have to be a political person. The goal you aim for is to be a political ruler. As a Liberian political ruler, you are king. Taxpayers funded projects would carry your name, statues would be built in your honour, and people would worship at your feet. As a political ruler you don’t need to earn your titles, you have the power to declare them. You can declare yourself Honourable, Chief, Ambassador, or Dr, and if one “Dr” isn’t enough, people can call you “Dr Dr”. The scholar JAY-Z once said, “What’s better than one doctorate?” to which he answered, “Two”. As a political ruler, you don’t need to develop infrastructure and pass policies, the most important infrastructure is stomach infrastructure: just feed your worshippers. And when you take public money to build your private houses, make sure that you build it in Liberia. Bad rulers steal and spend their money abroad, good rulers steal and spend it in their local economy, they build beautiful houses to help improve the Liberian skyline.
In politics you need a good mantra; claim you are for “All Liberians”, that you are the best alternative or you bring unity, most importantly claim you bring change. It doesn’t matter the kind of change, just bring change. You would also need a war cry for your followers, something like “YANMU”, and when you scream it, all your partisans would rally. When you seize power, blessed are your party loyalists for they alone shall inherit all the government jobs, blessed are the politicians that cross carpet to your party for they shall be born again in the colours of your party, and all their sins shall be washed away.
In becoming Liberian, you need a political ruler. You are to fight on behalf of your ruler no matter what. Your political ruler can do no wrong. You can shift the goalposts as many times as possible, as long as it is in defence of your ruler. In becoming Liberian, you develop a sonorous voice for the sole purpose of sweet talking and singing the praises of your political ruler.
You should never address your political ruler by just his name. you have to sing his titles and good deeds before his name is mentioned, it doesn’t matter whether his deeds were within his job description that he is paid for, he has to be worshiped for doing his job. These titles stay till eternity, be it: light Bringer, Born to Win, Ebola Hero, Bad Road edicine, Corona Conqueror, Feminist in Chief, etc., you have to constantly practice your singing voice, the best singer gets prizes.
In becoming Liberian, you learn that Liberia is a land of forgiveness – there is no crime that cannot be forgiven. Some call it impunity, but we call it forgiveness. This forgiveness comes at the price of little or nothing. Rape is repaid by presenting a white chicken, assault is paid for by the words of apology. The ones on the receiving end might feel shortchanged, but Liberia will teach you to accept what you get.
In Liberia, you are given a clean slate when you die. Your crimes disappear, be it genocide, war crimes, murder, tribalism; all will wash away when you die. Good words will be spoken about you and your good deeds will be mentioned until they whitewash your sins off of memories. Don’t worry, if you did no good deeds some would be made up. There are no dead villains in Liberia, everyone is a hero once they die.
Liberia is the land of opportunity; in getting a job, your education, experience or credentials are secondary. What you need is passion and to have the country at heart. In being Liberian, you need to understand that competence and having the country at heart are interchangeable. Who needs school or a degree to understand administration, science or best agricultural practices? Who needs knowledge when you have love of country? Our love wills things into existence.
Perhaps the most important skill of becoming a Liberian is the skill of prayer. You pray to God for unmerited blessings and undeserved gifts, it is called asking for divine favour. Remember that the returnee God doesn’t call who is qualified, he qualifies whom he calls.You also learn to pray against the people that hate and oppose you (the hate positions). Those haters, the ones that call you unqualified when God makes you the Head of Research at a National Lab despite you having no academic degree, those ones that cry nepotism when you get a contract because you are the chief’s daughter, don’t mind them because it’s all envy. All you have to do is simply pray to the God of the returnees to consume them with fire, HEAVENLY FIRE.
In becoming Liberian, you realize that people will not laugh at your satirical jokes as hard, people are too busy living through the satire the government provides as their reality, and no one wants to read and laugh at their reality.
**This piece was influenced by Elnathan John’s book – “Becoming Nigerian”**
Authored by Dounard Bondo
Featured Picture by Ramiramitto
Liberia explained in few, but intriguing words…