Thoughts About You

For most people, beauty starts by what they see, after all, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. So let’s start from when I first saw you. I remember the image because it is stamped in my brain. You were well dressed, permed edges, dark-skinned and pleasing to the eyes. You are beautiful, you have always been beautiful. 

Again, you are beautiful, but I can’t say it was love at first sight. Neither do I believe in love at first sight. And while I understand the act of falling in love, I can’t say I fell in love with you. To me, the word “falling” sounds like an act that is sudden, an act that is reckless and without intention. If I could describe my feelings for you, I would say I walked, I crept, I chose to be in love with you. A decision that stemmed from feelings that grew over time. For me, loving you was a journey. 

I saw you last week Wednesday, I remember my blood racing at twice its pace. I had planned to tell you my feelings, but it was so hard for my mouth to say what my heart already knew. I always hated the fact that society puts the burden of speaking on the man. It’s a burden I do not like, it’s a burden that doesn’t make sense to me. Think about it, if women cannot make the first move or ask a guy out, it limits women’s options to only those who ask them out.  Not that it should bother you though, if others see what I see, you would get asked out every day. 

Maybe what I suffer from is fear, the fear that speaking might ruin the friendship. Maybe what I suffer from is cowardice. In my opinion, I just don’t see the reason to tell someone how you feel when the person doesn’t feel the same way. To me, it is like a fool’s errand, like knocking on a door you know won’t be opened to you. Maybe what I suffer from is pride. I see myself as a “prize”, and while I see you as a “prize” as well, I am a prize nonetheless. Thus, I believe me and a partner should be running towards each other, not me running after them.

I do not know how you feel about me, I can’t place it. I am more of a pessimist than an optimist. However, I have decided to tell you about my feelings. And that’s all I could and all I wanted to do; to tell you, with no pressure or demands because I don’t know how you feel at the moment. Getting here was a journey, I understand you might not be where I am, and you could as well choose not to  take that journey.

I have a plan on how I am going to tell you, I have a speech written and an idea set in my head. Looking back, I wish I told you earlier. However, my mother always said “the time you wake up is your own morning”, so this is my morning. I prepared answers to questions I thought you would ask. If you ask me “why you?” I would ask “why not you?” If you ask me “how I know I love you?”, I would tell you how memories of you invade my daydreams, and how I find solace in thoughts of you. 

If you ask me “why now?” I would tell you how I grew to love you, how a thought as small as a seed had blossomed into the feelings I have now. I believe to love someone is to know them. And ultimately, love is a decision to love someone despite everything you know.  I would tell you how I am not sure I know you adequately, but I know you enough to love you. I would tell you how I would love to know you more. 

So here I am, sitting at the lunch table waiting for you. I made sure I was twenty minutes early. I see you at the door, I wave so you can see me. You walk to the table as elegantly as ever. I wait for you to relax, order a drink, and then I say “so, I wanted to tell you that I like LIKE you, I have feelings for you”. I feel so relieved having said it. I look at your face for a sign, for a message. I look for something, I look for everything, for anything.

Authored by Dounard Bondo

Featured Picture by Unsplash