99% + 1% = 100%

It’s easy to feel disgusted about the hateful stones thrown at the LGBTQ+ community. How can someone have such a deep passionate anger against someone simply because of who they prefer in their bed? However, like every other social change, gay rights and freedom will need more time to take space in our society. Social changes take time, and it’s not a one-day fight. Even the “great” USA is still fighting for the acceptance and respect of the LGBTQ community. Berlin is also known as the capital for the gay movement; the yearly Pride Festival in Berlin is the biggest street party in Europe. Yet, as tolerant and accepting as Germany is, we still experience hate crimes. Gay men and women still have to explain their sexual choices.

Back in 2014, when I first moved to Turkey from Cyprus, I had an experience that shaped my thinking. I still have my reservations, believe me, but I am in a better space now compared to how I previously felt about homosexuality. The hate I had in my heart for a coursemate who was gay was unexplainable. I hated this guy only because he was gay. I couldn’t stand the ground he walked on.

One day we had an assignment; we were asked to write on “the spread of culture through food”. We were asked to go to a restaurant and do the research. We all did and had to present on a specific day. The guy and I had the same day, and funny enough, his presentation was right before mine. He presented beautifully, but I was butt hurt. I was angry about the way he presented, and every time he said “my boyfriend and I” I got angrier. I didn’t understand why, so I thought he was too extra. Long story short, my presentation was a mess. I couldn’t concentrate on presenting a paper I put so much work into researching. I was frustrated and sad. My lecturer asked to see me a day after the class, and that was when I got my first lecture. She’s gay as well; I didn’t know that until she told me. She was indirect, but the bottom-line of the conversation was to make me understand the guy did not choose to be who he is. She suggested that I talk to him to iron out my feelings.

Two days after, I met up with this gay coursemate, and we had a long conversation that left a lump in my stomach. It made me more confused. How can being gay be so wrong when some people have no control over it? I left the date feeling bad; he’s Muslim, so he already has all his life to explain himself to family and friends, he didn’t need another person to add to it. I started to question myself to figure out what my issue with gay men was. I felt comfortable with lesbians, but I couldn’t wrap my head around why a man will “love-up” on another man. It felt wrong, and the worst end of the spectrum for me was having a guy call himself a woman. I still have some more ways to go with understanding that , but that’s a different topic for another day.

What changed my perception about gays though was education and time. I had to educate myself by asking many questions to the right people. Trust me, it’s an uncomfortable conversation to have, but once you start to talk about it, the boundaries start to fade. I would have reacted with hostility if my lecturer or anyone for that matter had called me out or acted hostile towards me. I didn’t raise myself, and my socialization process shaped me into believing homosexuality is a sin. “It’s disgusting”, was all I heard about it, and I am supposed to hate it. All this was to discourage me from being gay, but this planted into my heart hate for innocent human beings. I knew I had to make the change when I read John 15:12, “Love each other as I have loved you”; 1 Peter 4:8, “Love covers a multitude of sins”; and Matthew 7:1-3 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

I knew it was not my position to judge or hate anyone because of the way they are. Even though Christianity says homosexuality is a sin, it also says all sins are equal, and the fact that no one was attacking me for premarital sex, lust, nor the lies I tell every day, I knew I was unfair. I was being stupid and missing out on so much – missing out on friendships and quality time with people I thought were “lesser humans.” Romans 9:14-15 gave me a turnaround, and I realized we are all living by his grace, and only God knows the end. I started to open my mind. Living in Berlin, I have tons of friends who have different preferences. I go to gay parties and hangouts not because I am gay or curious but mostly because I am free to do whatever I want. Once it doesn’t affect my values and convictions, I am okay. And that’s what I hope we all can understand. Our beliefs and orientations are different because we are humans from different backgrounds and cultures. I think it’s important to factor in cultural and religious influences in these conversations. Do you think it’s easy to stand up against the Bible? Oh, that’s how our religious communities make us feel when we talk about homosexuality. It’s supposed to be forbidden. Every sin is a sin but being homosexual is a ”disgusting sin.” That’s what most people are taught. I used to say it’s a sickness.

In most western countries, it is against the law to discriminate against someone because of their sexual orientation, lawful sexual activity or self-defined gender identity. However, discrimination still occurs. Change doesn’t happen overnight; I believe with patience, persistence, and years of grindingly slow trench work, the conversation will become easier and more commonplace. The discussion about sexuality is like onions, it develops from layer to layer. Some can stand the burn and others can’t. And that’s alright – for now.

Wecan’t bash someone for being intolerant to something they don’t understand – as long as their intolerance does not manifest in the abuse of others, that is. Most people see homosexuality as evil and wrong because they don’t know what it is. Naivety is their only offence, and that’s far easier to fix or deal with than willful ignorance. Bashing homophobes or subjecting them to public ridicule doesn’t fix anything, it only brings us back to the same thing we are speaking against: intolerance. It’s easier to hate what you don’t know than to take the time to understand it. We are all learning, and the fact that sexuality is still evolving, we all have a lot to learn.

In addition to the fact that Liberian communities do not discuss sex and gender, sincere and open family communication has been weakened by war trauma and cultural rifts. We are still struggling to have discussions about sex and sexual health. Everything related to it is a taboo, including sexual organs, and we have to use colloquialisms or euphemisms, like “my thing”, “nunu geh”, “sausage” and the likes which also carry stigma. The silence around sex and sexuality has passed on from generation to generation. Our parents didn’t see their parents nor grandparents have these conversations; therefore, they are unable to have them with us. It’s on us to now have open conversations and explain the nuances of this complex topic to our friends. In the Liberian community, the most sexually tolerant people are those who live/have lived outside Liberia or have a close friend or family member who lives/has lived outside Liberia. It is key to remember that we are not better nor intellectually superior to those who are yet to grasp what homosexuality is and why tolerance is important. In the age of “wokeness,” we also need to keep in mind that other people are entitled to their values and convictions; if a person doesn’t feel comfortable with a gay person, let them be. There are a lot of homosexuals that don’t interact with other people that are different from them, and no one is calling them out. Knowing how much time it took me to understand certain things, I believe with constant hard conversations, things will get better.

Lastly, before I close, I will say sorry to my gay friends. I don’t understand what you are going through, but I know it’s not easy. I, like other straight people, have weird sexual fantasies and kinks that we don’t dare to express. It’s nothing similar to what you are experiencing, but we do suffer inside as well. Take your time and come out when you feel comfortable. Let no one pressure you. Understand that your family and friends need time to understand and accept you, not because they hate you. They love you, but they don’t understand what it is. They need time and education. For those already out and proud, celebrate yourself and forget about others who aren’t. Let them take their time. It is not your place to announce their truths – that is hateful in its own sense. It is up to all of us, gay, straight,bisexual, etc. to respect the sexual space and preference of others.

“Las las, we go all dey okay”.

Authored by Jaylee Sarsih
Featured Picture by Unsplash