Sex or Love?

I recently got rejected, to my dismay and utter disbelief . I couldn’t, still can’t, fathom why I was. Perhaps this is why I write: to gain some clarity.

The reason I was rejected, according to the person who rejected me, was a claim of heartbreak. I was told “I’ve just [been] hurt… now I’m all about me and self-love.” There’s that damn self-love thing again. I don’t get this generation’s obsession with that damn notion. Yes, love yourself (of course everyone ought to love themselves), but what the fuck does that have to do with refusing sex? Yes, a relationship failed, or should I say another relationship failed… so what? Is that enough reason to become a recluse? Does sex suddenly becomes a taboo?

Maybe I should give you (my audience) some context: this individual and I had a thing in the past. A really good thing, if I do say so myself. You know, the fuck everywhere, fuck all day, blow-all-my-friends-off-to-fuck type of thing. And sure, there were deep deep feelings expressed on both ends (especially on the side of this individual). Okay, truth is, my friends do not believe in my ‘actual’ feelings for this person, they say it’s solely physical. I can almost hear you ask: “Well, what do you say?” I say, there is potential. I say that the sex was that good that it created something akin. I also say, with where I’m at in life right now, something akin is the closest I’m going to get to the damn love people write long captions and poems about. No, I’m not bitter. No one in my past has hurt me enough to let their lack of appreciation for whom I was affect who I am. I’m not against love and/or relationships. I just cannot promise monogamy. This person who rejected me, however, is all about that. Relationships, that is.

Which brings me back to my confusion. I do not understand losing sleep over a person; I do not understand this idea of being down and feeling sucky-yucky over a person (well, not for more than 12-18 hours). Everyone needs a day to recover from emotional rollercoasters. Take me for an example: after being rejected, what did I do? I said “Okay,” took a day to lick my wounds and moved the fuck onto the next. Reality check: THERE IS ALWAYS A NEXT. In my opinion, it doesn’t mean my feelings or sentiments aren’t real. It’s just… well what am I gonna do? Cry about it? I’m a realist; I can’t control what people do (sometimes) or how they feel, but my actions or reactions are my responsibility.

And perhaps it is because of this exact attitude that I got rejected in the first place. Apparently, my lack of vulnerability translates to cold heartedness.

In fact, in my attempts to woo this individual back to my pants, I decided, for a change, to do things their way and actually put in effort. So I went on this romantical love journey. Sure, I embellished a little here, a little there. Even admitting to being in love. Although, to be fair to me,  I am honest when I say, love and sex are very close in my book. So if I want to fuck you… I mean desperately want to fuck you, like how I’ve been craving this individual… I assume it’s love. Isn’t it?

Anyhow, I got rejected. Not because the individual I’m talking about doesn’t want to (How I know, you ask?.. I got sent “teasing” pics), but because the person just left a relationship and is trying to “get their mind right.” Again I ask, what the fuck? What does that have to do with us having sex? Get your mind right by all means; go visit Buddha for all I care. I’m just suggesting (very insistently) that we fuck while you do all that. How do you say no to that? I guess I’m confused because I am not sure if I have ever said no to a “let’s just fuck” situation. In my opinion, those are the best kinds. And if our (not one person’s) feelings get clouded and confused by our insane chemistry, that we mistake it for love… well, JACKPOT!

If I am being fair, in a way I see why I was turned down, given our past (let’s just say things didn’t end on the best terms- I am the one who ended things and feelings were hurt). But fuck me if I even remember all the shit that transpired. All I care to remember was that the sex was great and I wouldn’t mind a trip down memory lane (if you know what I mean). So, fuck your little feelings, and get over your little emotions. FYI: Self love involves allowing yourself to savor life’s pleasures.

Note: This story may or may not all be factual, but I hope it raises some questions for you. Where do you ultimately place value in your romantic relationships? Is it in Love, Sex, Communication, etc? How does society affect your view on sexual freedom? What do you mean when you say “I love you?”

Authored by Joshua S. Kulah

One Comment Add yours

  1. Michaelyn says:

    Whew!! Heavy. First of all, the writer seems angry that he got rejected. People mourn losses- I say so because it seems so from what he wrote- in different ways. And that person clearly does not share the writer’s views on sex. So, yup, the writer may just fuck on to the next. I enjoyed the piece though. Very raw

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