Give & Take

We’ve been in a relationship for as long as I can remember.
She sleeps at the head of my bed, dragging me to the foot.
“You’re not good enough,” she says, taking off my blanket of hope in the cold of doubts.
She’s the reason I stand before broken mirrors hoping my reflection of a slimmer body is true;

never uttering a word in class, for I feel I belonged last.
She’s the reason I pause in the middle of conversations, for she’s always watching me.

She holds my hand to remind me how ugly I am.
I’ve tried to break our ties but she never leaves for long enough.
She says she owns me, roaming my mind like her home.
Many people say I inspire them, yet she’s the reason I never feel good enough.

She invites me to a party and promises to love me.

Yet she allows her family, depression and anxiety, to hurt me.
They make me hide in my room where no one can hear me

When I can’t stay inside to drown in tears, she lets me wear a fake smile she got for me

While holding a knife at my back, reminding how she’s got plans for me.

Tells me inside jokes about death and reminds me of my irrational fears

Makes me pretend to listen to music whenever a person comes near.
She’s the reason I’m never truly happy, even when I try to have fun.
In this mutual relationship, she gives me hurts and takes my smile.
Her name is insecurity; she told me she owns my heart.

 

Authored by Beulah Nimene

Featured picture by Broken Isn’t Bad

One Comment Add yours

  1. Isatu K Bropleh says:

    I love this poem and because it hit home so much and kind of related to personal emotions currently, I was forced to write a response poem. Excuse my grammar because it’s not payed attention to when writing poems. Unless its for a professor lol. Thank you so much for the poem!!

    Oh insecurity, I bet it would be satisfying if you were holding my heart … Better yet owning it.
    The words you spoke … very mean honestly … and very degrading.
    As a part of me you feel very distant. When it comes to our relationship mutuality is an understatement.
    And I don’t mean that in a way that you will benefit … I mean that our relationship is finally at that place.
    Our relationship is at the place where I will benefit.
    Acceptance, Accountability, and believing in Christ are my reasons for my current emotion and motivation.
    It took a while but I am to that stage.
    Elimination is key. I have eliminated every negativity developed from you.
    All of those cruel jokes and irrational fears that you have made sure … to puncture my way of thinking.
    My perspective. My positivity. My energy and what I believe in. Most importantly what I want to believe in.
    Now, I listen to music even when somebody’s not near. I am truly happy with how far I have came.
    I am happy when I wake up … I feel blessed.
    I am happy when I close my eyes … I feel blessed.
    I am happy even when I am not happy. I am happy even when I don’t want to be happy.
    In this relationship that is not anymore mutual, I am going to instill positivity.
    I am going to pray and not worry. I will not feel worried. I will not feel fear. I will not reach hurt.
    Her name is insecurity; she told me she owns my heart. I told her f+++ you.
    Christ owns my heart.

    Liked by 1 person

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